


Vanity is Asinine

by Animercom



Series: Oumeno Week 2020 [5]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angel & Demon Interactions, Bad Matchmaking, Comedy, F/M, Oumeno Week, Oumeno Week 2020, angel demon au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27802963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Animercom/pseuds/Animercom
Summary: Kokichi, an angel, is tasked with the mission to help shy Shuichi confess to Kaede. When Himiko, a sleepy demon, gets entangled with the mission, things get messy. Cupid arrows, narcissism, and lighting bolts make for a disastrous recipe.An Angel/Demon oumeno AU!Written for oumeno week 2020 Angel/Demon prompt.
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Oma Kokichi/Yumeno Himiko
Series: Oumeno Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2033938
Comments: 6
Kudos: 51
Collections: OumenoWeek





	Vanity is Asinine

**Author's Note:**

> I was debating several different ways to write this prompt when Kirastrations and my brother helped me come up with the premise. This fic is inspired by the comedy anime Gabriel Drop Out in which the angels are lazy/enjoy the suffering of others and the devils are nice. Hence Kokichi is an angel and Himiko the demon. Enjoy!

In a beam of light, Kokichi’s angelic form descended in the back of a classroom. His wings flapped a couple times before folding in half. Kokichi dusted off his chiton, white robes worn in ancient Greece. Shook out his sandals. “Welp. Where’s my mission taking place this time?” He gazed out across the classroom. Wood wainscotting. Bulletin board and half lockers in the back behind Kokichi. Cream floor tiling. A few ferns on the sill. Students sat at their desks bent over a test. Being an angel, Kokichi was only visible to other supernatural beings but invisible to human eyes. “And I’m here because…”

He opened up a file folder he held in a hand. Caution tape and stamps on the front read “Top Secret” and “For Angel Eyes Only”. “Let’s see… Person of Interest: Shuichi Saihara, Age 18. Enrolled as the Ultimate Detective in Hope’s Peak, blah, blah, blah. Was supposed to start dating Kaede Akamatsu in their first year but now it’s their third year and he has yet to confess, yadda, yadda…! They’re meant to get married, have forty kids, and own a white picket fence house. Ugh, teen drama is the worst.” Scratching his stomach, Kokichi tossed the folder over a shoulder. It dematerialized. Hand on his hip, Kokichi scanned the students. “Shuichi, huh? Who am I working with here…?”

Biting his lip, Shuichi studied the test on his desk. He nervously rolled a pencil between his thumb and index. “Ah!” The pencil fell to the ground. Rolled to Kaede’s desk diagonally in front of his desk. Shuichi stood up. The chair scaped noisily in the silent classroom. Heart pounding, Shuichi sat down. Searched the inside of his desk for any pencils. None. Pouting, Shuichi hung his head. “Guess I’m failing…”

“Shuichi?”

Gasping, he looked up. Kaede was holding out the pencil towards him. She smiled. Shuichi gazed at the blond tresses caressing her face. Rosy cheeks.

Trembling, Shuichi accepted the pencil. “Th… than… You’re welcome!!” He shouted.

Everyone looked up at Shuichi. The teacher raised a brow.

Kaede laughed. “Ahaha… good luck.” She turned back around.

Face burning, Shuichi buried his head in his hands. Banged his head against the desk. “Stupid, stupid, stupid…!”

Kokichi’s eye twitched. “Th-the heck…? Hope’s Peak? This guy is hope _less_. Although…”

Memories of his past life as a human flashed through his mind. Him sitting in the back seat of a classroom in his dark button up school uniform. Head down, talking to no one as students laughed and chatted around him. Eating lunch in a bathroom stall to avoid being picked on. Crying and flinching away when bigger students pinned him in the hall.

Kokichi closed his eyes. _It’s not like I know anything about relationships either. God, I hate this job._

A bell rang. Stirring, students passed up their tests. Grabbing their backpacks, they stood up and started to talk quietly.

Kokichi cracked his neck. _All right, time to play matchmaker._

“Nyeeeh… you’re blocking my sunlight.”

Kokichi turned. Lying on the half lockers curled up like a cat was a female demon. She wore oversized black witch hat and robes. The robes’ sleeves and hems were forked and pointed like a trident. Had two tiny red horns sticking out of red hair. A thin, forked tail swished like a cat. Yawning, she stood and stretched. “I was taking a nap. Oh, you’re new. I’m Himiko. Who’re you?”

 _A demon…_ Humming, Kokichi narrowed his eyes. Assessed her diminutive form. Her half-lidded expression as she rubbed sand from her eyes. _She seems like a low-ranking demon. A pushover. Time to have some fun!_ Voice deep, Kokichi posed, “Who am I, you ask?” Chuckling, Kokichi let a wing cover the lower half of his face. Spreading his arms and wings wide, he declared, “I am Kokichi, the Angel of Death!”

Himiko paled. Eyes wide, her knees knocked. “Th-th-that’s a lie.”

“Aren’t you a demon? Why are you scared?”

“I-I’m not scared!” Hands on her hips, Himiko jutted her chin in the air. “I’ve been here for 2,357 years. My mere presence affects nearby students. So don’t even think of underestimating the Amazing Demoness Himiko.”

A few feet away Kaito rubbed the back of his neck. “I have to work on a paper that’s due today… But, eh, I don’t feel like it.”

Cheering, Himiko raised her hands in the air. “Yes, another late paper!”

“That’s what you do?!” shouted Kokichi.

Nodding, Himiko crossed her arms. “I’m in the Deadly Sin Sloth division. I make others around me feel sluggish and apathetic. I’m incredibly good at my job! Got Demon of the Month Award for 500 years straight.”

“So let me get this straight. You’re good at your job working for Sloth…”

“Right.”

“…So you do nothing.”

“Uh huh!” Kokichi facepalmed. “But, hey, these are Hope’s Peak ultimates. They’re all…” Himiko shuddered. “ _Workaholics._ ” Himiko blessed herself as if she said a curse word. “As much as I love sleeping, work can get pretty dull. What are you doing here? You angels are always bustling about doing goody-goody things.”

Kokichi jutted his chin at Shuichi. He was picking up his books to carry them in his arms. “That wimp over there needs to man up and confess to his girl. Or else his kids won’t come into existence or some such. I dunno. I kinda skimmed the report.”

“You sure you don’t work for Sloth, too? Well, got a plan?”

Humming, Kokichi tapped his chin. “Hmmmmm. Oh, I know! I’ll show him suggestive pictures of her.”

“What kind of angel are you?!”

“Well, it would work, wouldn’t it?” Scowling, Kokichi scratched his head. “I hate teen angst and drama most of all. So this time I’m gonna use one of these babies!” Kokichi whipped out a thin gray bow, a quiver, and arrows with hearts as its points. “I stole these guys from an angel named Stupid or something. When a guy is hit by these arrows, whoever they are looking at when struck is the person they’ll fall in love with! I only have three arrows left so I can’t miss.”

Gasping, Himiko’s eyes sparkled. “That’s so cool! A love arrow… I could bring all my soaps to life…”

Books in hand, Shuichi was the last to exit the classroom. Head down, shoulders slumped, he virgin walked down the hallway roughly ten feet behind Kaede.

Kokichi clenched his fist. “Now’s my chance!” Taking aim, he pulled back on the bow.

“No, I wanna shoot!” cried Himiko, swatting at Kokichi.

“What? No! It’s mine! I stole it fair and square.”

“Give it!”

“No!”

Growling, the two wrestled for the bow. Shuichi and Kaede walked further away. Kaede was nearing a corner.

“Stupid demon!” Kokichi wrenched the bow away from Himiko. Shot the arrow.

Shuichi tripped. The arrow lodged in the wall above him.

“Ahhh! I missed! And I would have hit him too if it wasn’t for you meddling demon.”

Shuichi landed flat on his backside, legs akimbo. Books lay around him. Wincing, Shuichi looked at and rubbed his behind. “Ow…”

Himiko pulled on the bow. “My turn now, my turn!”

“We’re not taking turns!” Kokichi fired another arrow. It struck Shuichi’s butt.

Kokichi and Himiko paused. Blinked. “Uhh…”

Hearing Shuichi fall, Kaede turned around. She held out a hand to Shuichi. “Oh, that sounded like a nasty fall. You okay?”

Laughing, Shuichi tossed his bangs like a bishonen. He spoke with a deep and silky voice. “You know that feeling of never wanting to wash your hand again after shaking a celebrity’s hand?”

“Huh?” went Kaede.

Smiling, Shuichi gazed down at the hand caressing his backside. “That’s how I feel about my hand on my butt right now.”

Screaming, Kokichi clamped his face. “AAAAAAHHH! He’s in love with his ass!”

Himiko hid a snort behind a hand. “Well he’s always made an ass of himself before. What’s the difference?”

Shuichi stood up and half turned to behold his ass. “Is it not the most magnificent cheeks you have ever seen? Curvy. Succulent. Thicc, but not fat.” Shuichi gave his cheeks a swat.

Sweating, Kaede withdrew her hand. “U-um…. It’s, uh, it’s nice, I guess?”

Himiko gestured to the ultimates. “Well, now Shuichi’s confident enough to talk to Kaede. That’s a win.”

“Don’t you want to play my rear end like you do your piano? With that gentle touch of yours…”

“ _This is not a win!_ ” snapped Kokichi.

Sweating, Kaede held up her hands. She backed up slowly. “Y-yeah, I have class. So I need to go.”

“Why go to class when you could behold my ass?” Blushing, Shuichi shyly looked away, a hand over his mouth. “Do you wish to give witness to it bare?”

Eyes wide, Kaede backed up a step. “Wait, you mean…?!”

Shuichi turned around. Grabbed the hem of his pants. “I do indeed. I don’t usually make a habit of this, butt… For your viewing pleasure–”

Kokichi lunged forward. “Divine lightning, I call upon thee!”

Supernatural lighting struck Shuichi. He collapsed to the ground, ass in the air, still as a corpse.

“Oh my god! Shuichi!” Kaede rushed to Shuichi’s side. Kneeling, she shook his shoulder. “Shuichi! Shuichi, are you okay?”

Kokichi and Himiko watched the scene a small distance apart. Silently beheld a teacher and other students gathering around to help the injured Shuichi.

Himiko spoke up. “I don’t think you’re getting the Angel of the Month Award.”

“And whose fault is that?!”

* * *

Groaning, Shuichi opened his eyes. He was lying in a bed in the nurse’s office. A blue curtain hung from the ceiling, partitioning off the beds. Educational health posters hung on the wall. A medicine cabinet stood in the back corner. Holding his head, Shuichi sat up. “What happened…? I took the test, tripped in the hallway, and tried to show Kaede my…” Sobbing, Shuichi covered his face with his hands. “What was I thinking?! Now I can’t get married…! What will become of the forty kids I was planning on having now?”

“Shuichi!” Kaede pulled back the blue curtain a smidge. Gripping the curtain, she peered over its edge. “A-are you okay now? The doctor said you didn’t hit your head but I’m not sure…”

Flushing, Shuichi flinched. “Ka-Kaede! Um, yeah, I’m fine now. Sorry, about earlier…”

“Oh good.” Kaede walked over to sit on a stool by his bedside. “I’m glad you’re awake.”

Kokichi sat on the windowsill behind Kaede. Sighing, Kokichi held up his chin with two hands and swung his legs. _I guess I shouldn’t rely on cheap tricks like the love arrow. I gotta think about what’s the real reason why Shuichi hasn’t confessed yet. Is it just low confidence? He asked Kaede out before but she rejected him? A death in his family?_

“Nyeeeh?” Himiko materialized curled up on the floor beside Kokichi, rubbing her eye. She wore a black cat eye mask. “Oh, there you are, Kokichi. I wondered where you went after that bow incident.” She yawned. “I think I’m gonna nap for another 29 hours.”

Hands on her lap, Kaede leaned forward. “I came because I wanted to check on you! And, if possible, talk to you…” she blushed.

“Ah, is that so…? Actually… I’m, uhh. Pretty tired. Yeah, that’s it. So I was going to sleep some more.” Shuichi laid down and threw the blanket over his head. Rolled so his back was towards Kaede. “Night.”

Himiko’s words echoed in Kokichi’s mind. “ _I’m in the Deadly Sin Sloth division. I make others around me feel sluggish and apathetic._ ”

Kokichi froze. Seized Himiko’s collar. “ _You’re_ the reason why Shuichi hasn’t confessed!!! You didn’t just make him an ass, you made him a lazy ass!”

“Nyeh…? Maybe?”

“Divine lightning!”

“NOOO!” Himiko backed up into Shuichi’s bed. Was struck by lightning. She collapsed to the floor.

Frowning, Shuichi rose and lowered the blankets. “What was that? Did you feel that shaking, Kaede?”

“Hm?”

“Oh, never mind. Sorry, you were saying something about wanting to talk to me? What is it? I’m all ears.” Himiko twitched, her limbs spread out like a dying insect. Shuichi continued, “I’m suddenly feeling a lot better now!”

Kaede nodded. Bit her lip. “Yeah I… I know you said you wanted to rest, but if you didn’t mind, I wanted to talk real quick first.”

“Sure, go ahead. I’m listening.”

“What happened earlier in the hall… You’re quite the comedian. I didn’t know that.” Eyes lowered, Kaede wrung her hands in her lap. “I feel like there’s a lot about you I don’t know. But I want to know more.”

“Wh-what?”

“How about catching a movie this Saturday and going out to eat afterwards? Would that be all right?”

Eyes lighting up, Shuichi beamed. “Th-that would be great! I’d love to.”

Kokichi stood over the smoldering Himiko, arms crossed. He nodded at Kaede and Shuichi discussing date plans. _Huh. The wimp actually did it. I thought he was just being asinine, but I shouldn’t have made_ ass _umptions like that…_

Grimacing, Himiko rose onto her elbows. Gazed at Shuichi and Kaede chatting. “All's well that ends well.”

Kokichi glared.

Himiko sat up. Picked her ear. “What, you expect a demon to apologize? I told you I was good at my job.”

Kokichi exhaled a mirthless laugh. “Well, I hold nothing but contempt for my job.”

“Really? Why’s that?”

Head lowered, Kokichi’s bangs covered his eyes. “These missions are endless… I didn’t have any relationships in life and now that I’m dead, all I do is help others form relationships. But I still never make any of my own…”

Gaze even, Himiko studied Kokichi. Shrugging, she rubbed an eye. “Well, I’m not going anywhere. And wherever I am, I make other people lazy. Maybe then you’ll be sent back here again? And we can tag team your missions. Have a bit of an excitement to break up the doldrum.”

Lips parted, Kokichi stared. He smiled. “I guess that wouldn’t be too boring.” _Maybe this job isn’t that bad after all._

Kokichi’s blood turned to ice. _Wait a second._ Kokichi materialized file folders of past missions. Previously solved cases were now marked as urgent. “Chisa has given up on chasing Kyosuke Munakata and cries at the bar every night. Headmaster Jin Kirigiri can’t be bothered to reconnect with his daughter and… Kazuichi is messaging Sonia again?! I had her block him!” Kokichi wheeled on Himiko. “This is all _your_ fault!!”

Himiko waved a hand in dismissal. “It’s fine, it’s fiiine. I give you work, you get to keep your job, and work together to solve them. We make the best team.”

Kokichi threw the files in her face. “Damn right, you’re coming with me to fix this!!”

Himiko swatted the files away. Smirked. “But that’s not all the work I caused for you.”

“Eh?”

Gripping the bed sheets, Shuichi asked, “Why would you want to be with me, Kaede? After I said all those embarrassing things?”

Smiling, Kaede pressed a finger to her lips. “About earlier, I’ll keep it our little secret.” She winked.

Shuichi exhaled a huge sigh of relief. “Th-thanks. I don’t know what came over me.”

Face red, Kaede tugged at a strand of hair. Looking away, she murmured. “I kind of understood it…”

Shuichi’s face went beet red. “Wh-wh-what?!”

Kaede took off her pink vest. “I’m in love with a body part of mine, too.”

Himiko shrugged. “I shot Kaede with a love arrow, too.”

Kokichi pressed the heel of his hands to his temples. “Ahhhhh! Why would you shoot her _there_?!”

“I was aiming for her heart. Looks like I missed.”

“You missed big time!!”

“Isn’t the heart a little to the left?”

“Emphasis on little! It’s mostly in the center, you moron!”

“Nyeh, whatever. It’s not a big deal.”

“No, Kaede, stop!” Shuichi threw back the covers and raced out the room. “Security, security!!”

Clutching and shaking his head, Kokichi cried out. His shout echoed throughout the whole Hope’s Peak campus. “Ugh, I really hate this job!!!”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for this fic being so weird, haha. Just one day left after this! ;w; I'll see you all then!! Thanks for all of the support so far. ^_^


End file.
